Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Back in the saddle....

And Lord, am I tired! This working business is just knocking me out. I really, really want to go to bed--and it's 7:50 p.m., for pity's sake. This is actually progress. Last night, I wanted to go to be at 7:00 p.m., but I hadn't walked the Bombshell yet (and you know that her constitutionals are required by law).

It was quite okay in many ways to be back at work, though. Hugs all around from colleagues, and my dear team left a big purple balloon bouquet in my cubicle, as well as a gift bag featuring a book and a big purple (yes, there's a theme at work here) robe. Sweetness! Oh, and chocolate turtles made with macadamia nuts--sheer heaven!

Poor Shwea didn't care about the gift bag, poor pup. She's so not happy that I'm back at work. She follows me even more closely around the house than before, and apparently sulks but good when I'm gone (according to Aunt Mary, formerly known as the Singing Juicer, who tended our gal on Monday). I had the nerve to shut the bathroom door the other day, and you would have thought a band of thieves had broken into the house, she carried on so. She was just miffed that I had shut her off from her person. "Da noive!" as we don't say in Massachusetts.

As for life beyond work, I have been invited out to see and do things, but have turned a lot of these dear invites down. I just don't have the gumption, you know? That said, I did say "Yes, please!" to my friend Holly bringing pizza over for lunch today. That made for a great break in the "action," so to speak. Also, this morning I found a card and DVD in the front porch basket; seems my friend Sarah decided I needed to watch "The Benny Goodman" story for inspiration, bless her heart. Maybe I'll soon be inspired to take my dear clarinet out of the case, eh? (Though I think that won't happen until the weekend, if I'm going to be reality-based here.)

Otherwise, last night I tried to watch more of the Ken Burns documentary on the national parks, but had to stop when it began to focus on the slaughter of Native Americans and animals in the park and beyond. I usually have the constitution for such information, but not these days. I wanted to ooh and ahhh over pretty pictures of Mother Nature, not get my knickers in a knot over man's inhumanity to man and nature. I am definitely in a "Beyond Bambi" stage, people, and just have to accept it.

Hey, it's almost time for bed. Gotta go! Love from BB and the Bombshell

Friday, September 25, 2009

Just saw Sita and Brava off; they came by to clear out the medical supply depot in the garage, bless them, so I now have an indoor place to park my Vibe. Progress--thanks, gals!

Had a delightful dinner with Sita, Anne and Brava last night. Good food and conversation, capped off with cake and an outdoor fire. Perfection! For all my focus on rest and renewal, I did learn last night that I am not yet 100%, for at one point an ember flew out of the fire pit and landed on my pants. I just watched it sit there, noted that my leg was getting warm, but did nothing about it. Thankfully, Anne came to my rescue, and brushed it off before it was able to do any damage.

That was interesting, eh? My self-preservation instincts are still in the shop, apparently. Sheesh!

Yesterday, I took Shwea to the vet for her "senior" checkup. All who saw her reported she was in very good shape for a 12-year-old her size, which was good to hear. But, when I described some symptoms to the vet and she checked her from stem to stern, she thought that the Bombshell would benefit from some pain medicine, so I dutifully took some home. Started it yesterday, and am watching her ever so carefully for side effects. Also need to take her in three weeks from now, for lab work (literally and figuratively; sorry, couldn't resist) to ensure her kidneys are okay with the new medicine. While I don't like giving her drugs, I certainly don't like the idea of her being in pain. It helped when the vet said that dogs Shwea's size often start taking such meds when they're 8, so I feel a little better about it all.

Ah, this aging business!

Speaking of aging, yesterday I learned that Linda's car was in trouble deep. It needed tons of work, so instead of investing in all that work so I could sell the car to someone, I decided to sell it to Linda's mechanic. He's an honest guy who we've known for years, so I feel good about this solution to the "What to do with Linda's car?" issue. Must admit it was hard to take all of Linda's stuff out of the car; have watched Linda drive off and return home in that car for years, so it's "Linda" to me in a way. Plus, that car featured in a joke of mine, so that joke will have to be retired, too. Odd what comes to mind, isn't it?

Well, now I should close, as I have to get downtown to pick up some music supplies before I meet with the CPA this afternoon--my clarinet came home yesterday, and it's just beautiful. Can't wait to play it, but I certainly don't want to play it with over 30-year-old reeds. Gross!

But before I go, thought I should let you know that I have been helped ever so much by a book of daily meditations I've been reading since Linda passed. It's called "Healing After Loss: Daily Meditations for Working Through Grief," by Martha Whitmore Hickman. The quotations and readings for each day speak to me in ways that few things do now. One quote, from Goethe, sums up what's been happening this week better than I ever could: "It is the nature of grace always to fill spaces that have been empty."

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The whirlwind continues

Yesterday was a busy one--started the day with two big condolence hugs from my neighbor and optometrist, who was walking by with her gal when I was getting the Vibe Shwea-ready. Had an appointment with a plumber in the Berkshires, but I didn't care--I'll take sweetness from another human being over timeliness any day of the week. Anyway, the plumber is almost always late.

Drove out to the cottage with the Bombshell to let the nice and just late enough (bless him) plumber in to shut it down for the season. This is about a month earlier than usual, but I would rather address this now while I have the time and before we have our first big frost and I get my pipe-freeze anxiety on in earnest. Besides, I can always go out there after the water's shut off, as long as I don't find myself with an overwhelming desire for a hot shower. (Shwea doesn't care as long as the fridge is working.)

Shwea had a good snooze on the way out, but couldn't get comfy because I kept walking around the wee house, finding medical-related things that needed to be added to the medical supply depot in the garage. Drove home with a bit more inventory and a nervous dog (she was afraid the I.V. pole was going to bonk her on the noggin', which it didn't). Stopped at Outlook Farms on the way in for some good dog biscuits for my pup (nothing like a good distraction, say I) and ended up buying a bag of cider donuts for myself (ditto).

Made lunch for Shwea then myself, then headed out to meet the Phantom (Karen) for a ride in her two-person canoe. We practically had the lake at the DAR to ourselves, with some chatty ducks and a golden retriever who kept darting in and out of the woods our primary company. Later some fishermen appeared in a small row boat, but that was about it. We talked as we paddled, and it was a sweet way to spend some time in this week largely devoted to rest and renewal (or a reasonable facsimile).

Returned home to meet with Sita, who had another likely candidate for the hydraulic loo (the first home wasn't a fit, alas) and who also offered a hug, cherry tomatoes from their garden and other delightful food bits--even baklava from St. Louis! Her dog Brava then gave me a quick sloppy stealth kiss (her specialty) and off they went.

Dinner was back at Sky and Karen's house, and it was so good to see them without needing to bother Sky for an explanation of a medical issue. We just talked and ate and listened to their cats howl. Linda was a major topic of conversation, and that was just fine with me. She, like the "angles," will be hovering 'round for a long, long time, and that's a tremendous comfort.

Lest I forget, they also sent me home with a lovely tin of Sky's chocolate chip cookies. Comfort, indeed.

Still, there's a lot of "stuff" I need to deal with. Today I finally found the phone number for Linda's private disability insurer, and got them working on the paperwork for closing that account down. Also spoke to Linda's mechanic, who is giving her car a once-over so I can sell it in good conscience. Thing is, he reported he's compiling a long list of things for us to discuss tomorrow, so I'm beginning to worry that I might be better off donating it to that car charity they're always promoting on Car Talk. Yikes!

But I also got the paperwork together for Linda's private life insurance and mailed that off, and the Post Office graciously accepted a mailer with a big box of sharps in it, too. (Still have more to get rid of, but that was a good start.) And I'm meeting with a CPA on Friday to help me address my mounting math/tax anxiety.

So, I'm getting things done; there's more to do, but nothing that's going to turn me into a very large, cookie-filled pumpkin.

Now I'm getting ready to take the Bombshell for her nightly stroll, and am surprised at how dark it is already. When fall falls, it doesn't mess around, eh?

Monday, September 21, 2009

One week till work!

Enjoyed Jennifer's show at PACE on Saturday night, but how could I not? Each comic had a unique spin on existence, and but for a little Crocs-bashing, I enjoyed them all tremendously.

Seriously, I don't understand the fuss about Crocs. Flip-flops are far less protective and supportive, but few people get their knickers publicly in a knot over them. True, I've come to be a Crocs fan late in their run (fashion trends and Ann Podolske rarely coincide--actually, they never coincide), but found them perfect for all of those times during my caregiver days that I had to throw on shoes fast, not to mention tidy up after things that one wouldn't want to get on one's "regular" shoes. Now that I'm mostly keeping company with a big, clumsy dog, I find they continue to make sense--slobber and stomp away, Shwea, I'm wearing protective shoes I can wash!

Oh dear. I'm spending my time defending my choices in footwear. This can't be good.....

Anyway, back to actual events. Yesterday, I went to church--late, as has unfortunately become my custom--and enjoyed the company of my church peeps immensely. Hugs and sweetness all around--what's not to love? Then headed home to tend the Bombshell, eat lunch and nap, which has also become a custom (and one I'll have to wean out of this week, as work beckons next Monday).

Last night, I went to the local multiplex and finally saw "Julie & Julia" (or is it the other way around?), which was a light bit of fun. Perhaps not as fun as I expected, but considering my innate sadness these days and how much I've already heard about the movie, it makes sense that I wasn't exactly transported. That said, Meryl Streep and Stanley Tucci were a joy to watch, just for being their fabulous selves. Another benefit of this excursion to the movies was seeing a trailer for yet another Meryl Streep film, "It's Complicated." Looks like a winner to me, but then with the Goddess Meryl at the center, how could it not? Perhaps I will go to this movie with friends--but for now, I go to such events worrying that I could start to cry and not stop, and don't want to put my friends through this, especially at a movie that's ostensibly a comedy.

It hasn't happened yet, but I'm not taking any chances.

Today was a late-starting day, but I'm happy to not have to be anywhere or do anything but tend Shwea and rest while it lasts. Well, and write a few more thank-yous. And do some more laundry, which is a never-ending task.

With all this glamour and excitement at hand, I think I will be ready to get back to work when I actually have to next Monday. Seriously, I miss my work friends, and I look forward to being preoccupied with things that don't matter, really. I appreciate the perspective the last 17 months has brought to bear on my world-view, don't get me wrong, but I am looking forward to thinking about things that bear little resemblance to what preoccupies me now.

Besides, I have to pay for my belated 50th birthday present to myself somehow. Yes, I followed Linda's footsteps in buying a car to denote my half century mark, though certainly not as cool a car as she purchased (a Mazda Miata). I toyed with the idea of a Mini Cooper S, but thanks to Linda's urging, I test drove and bought a Ford Fusion Hybrid. It's a hoot (for me) to drive, which may be explained by my current wheels: A Pontiac Vibe. And while my Fusion is a hybrid, it doesn't look like a Pious--I mean Prius--which I never quite liked the looks of, truly. Lastly, it's luxurious, at least compared to a Vibe, as it has leather seats, a navigation system, and more.

Well, I've gone from nattering on about shoes to a car, so I think I should stop for the sake of just about everyone. Besides, it's past time to feed Shwea, who has been ever-so-patiently waiting for me to finish this post. All good, A

Saturday, September 19, 2009

What's up, Padlocked?*

Stayed up late last night to watch "Quantum of Solace" (I think that was the title), one of the latest James Bond films. I am powerless over films featuring Judi Dench, even in a small role, and I think Daniel Craig has that brooding business down pat. It was a satisfying mix of mayhem and macho, and I was glad for the respite from reality, or whatever is transpiring around here.

Things aren't quite as bleak as that last sentence suggests, really. Am getting ever so more accomplished as a sleeper (who knew that could ever be a challenge for yours truly?). Napping during the day and sleeping for great chunks of time with very brief interruptions during the night has become commonplace; so much better than the "High Alert" tossing and turning that characterized my first week or so after Linda's passing. That nagging feeling that I'm shirking my caregiver duties is almost gone, too, though of course I still need to keep on top of Shwea's very important feeding and walking schedule.

Am grateful, too, that I am taking care of the "must do" business that is before me. I had a very productive two-hour meeting with a member of my attorney's staff on Thursday to get started on wrapping up Linda's estate and finances; she was able to get the paperwork rolling for all of Linda's insurance and investment holdings in that relatively short span of time (it likely would have taken me days to do the same). She will also help me complete said paperwork, and recommended an accountant to help me figure out how best to proceed with the proceeds. Am pretty sure Linda would be glad I'm getting professional help with all of this; she knew all too well how math and I get along (which is about as well as she got along with the English language).

Also am working on getting the medical supply depot in the garage thinned out--already found a home for the hydraulic loo, I'm very happy to report. (Yes, I'm happy about finding a good home for a commode, people.) A member of my caregivers' group thought it might be just the thing for his missus, and he came by to pick it up yesterday. Here's hoping! As for the rest of my collection, a dear friend has offered to post it on Freecycle, once I get the inventory compiled. Also plan to clean out the fridge in the garage this weekend, so I can get started on finding that a new home as well. (Now that I'm not in the juicing "business" anymore, a second fridge doesn't make any sense.) I am also contemplating putting the mother of all juicers in our kitchen on Craigslist sometime soon, for that sucker takes up valuable real estate on our very small kitchen counter. Plus, it weighs on me a little to contemplate all the time and energy I (and our friends who learned to juice for Linda's sake) devoted to that contraption.

Otherwise, I am not doing anything with all of Linda's clothes and other effects in the house for now, except washing what has been hanging on hooks and laying about for these many months. When it seems like a good time to move on all of these things I will, but for now, it seems fine to let them be.

In the midst of all of this resting and wrapping up, I have been reading the wonderful cards and letters that have been landing in the mailbox each day. The hardest part of this duty has been not being able to show Linda the sweet and hilarious things that her friends and coworkers have written about her; still, I have to believe that she knows, somehow.

I've also begun getting out a bit; Tuesday night I went to my usual 12-step meeting, and last night I had dinner at a friend's house, that featured good conversation and two marvelous pooches. Tonight, I'm heading to my friend Jennifer's comedy show, Girls! Girls! Girls! (8 p.m. at PACE, if you're interested), and looking forward to being a member of the audience, soaking in the hilarity that is certain to ensue.

Well, I need to tackle my chores for the day, including feeding the Bombshell, so close I should. Hope you're all enjoying your weekend! With love, Ann and the Blond Foodhound

* If you spellcheck Podolske, this is what is suggested.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Making progress...

I am feeling pretty good about the fact that I (1) had a nap yesterday and (2) was still able to sleep (almost) through the night. After over 10 days of waking up feeling mostly like something Shwea deposits in the backyard, I felt almost/nearly/sort of rested this morning. (Yes, my expectations for myself are what one could call modest--world dominion can wait.)

Anyway, today I am preparing for tomorrow's meeting with someone at my attorney's office, to get the ball rolling on settling Linda's estate. She cautioned me that such things can take a year, which is fine with me--I have promised myself to not make any major decisions for at least 12 months, so we're all copacetic. Am also beginning to write out "Thank yous" for flowers and donations and what-all. This could take a while, for people have been very, very generous where my gal is concerned.

Did figure out when I think I'll be up for returning to work--Monday, Sept. 28. As long as the short-term disability (STD) application goes through. Though I'd probably take the time even if it weren't paid for, as Big Company is overwhelming on a good day, and I am not in the "good day" frame of mind quite yet.

Speaking of STD, I was taken aback by the diagnosis my dear doctor has given yours truly's predicament for the benefit of the insurance company: "Acute situational depression/grief." I guess "recent widow" just isn't descriptive enough, eh?

Yesterday, I decided to face facts and had the lawn service guys weed the entire yard. Contemplating the bumper weed crop in our yard made me tired, so I just said "Off with their heads!" Linda was the avid gardener in the family, which I attribute to her being a city girl for much of her life. Me, I grew up in an agricultural mecca, so perhaps I think it's all too much like the labor of my ancestors. Whatever, I am out of the farming business for the foreseeable, with one possible exception (see below), and am quite relieved about it.

Today, our friend and neighbor Dee is coming by to help me figure out what to do with the plants we were given in the past two weeks. Plant them? Keep them watered until they yell "Uncle!"? I know so little about such things, I thought I should call in an expert, and he is it. Well, I feel another nap coming on (you may too, pardon me), so close I should. All good, Ann

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Closing up my caregiver shop

I've been away from this site for a while, largely because I was spending what spare time I had for Internet nonsense posting on CaringBridge. If you're not familiar with the site, consider yourself fortunate--it's a site dedicated to people challenged with serious illness. It's a one-stop shop for people who want to keep concerned friends and family updated on their (or a family member's) treatment's progress (or lack thereof). It was a goddess-send, for it allowed me to keep everybody in the proverbial loop re my gal Linda, without having to make countless phone calls or e-mails, retelling the same tale over and over again.

Well, as you may already know, Linda was gathered to God (my favorite way of putting this) on Friday, Sept. 4. She left in peace, which was a miracle, considering how long she resisted the reality of her situation. From her diagnosis in April of 2008 to about a week before her death, she was planning on getting well. But after a frightening fall, she finally accepted her prognosis, and then devoted her remaining time and energy to preparing for what's next. She succeeded brilliantly, from what I could see, and left this earth as ready as anyone could be, leaving love and forgiveness in her wake.

What a gift Linda was, contrary underwear and all.

So now, I'm working on recovering from my months as a caregiver and trying to wrap up Linda's affairs as best I can. I won't be back at work for a couple more weeks, and that's just fine by me (and them, too, most likely). My life is changing at a rapid rate, and I have no idea what my "new normal" will be, and probably won't for a good while.

But I will try to record what develops here, as best I am able. We shall see, eh?