Deja vu and then some.....

Yes, I've been away for a while. It appears that working during the day and keeping up with my writing deadlines during the night leave little--make that no--time for such fun and frolic as blogs.

Bet you're broken up as all heck, eh?

That my online access is severely restricted at work doesn't help, either (not that I have oodles of free time on my hands--no one working in a superintendent of school's office just before the first day of classes has any of that). It is annoying, though, that one is given a break in the morning and afternoon, which would be the ideal time to check one's e-mail and so forth--if only one could check one's e-mail and so forth. It's the city's Internet connection, this I understand, and likely they fear that porn downloads would preoccupy their staff (not to mention use up their bandwidth) if unfettered access were allowed. (Although I must say, having met a lot of the staff, I would think a more likely download would involve quilting.)

It was an exhausting week, for not only did I have to show up showered and dressed at the stunning hour of 8:30 a.m. (in my NYC-affiliated days, I didn't have to sit in front of my PC until 9:30, and as I worked at home, a shower, not to mention dressing, was optional), but I had a lot to learn. A dizzying array of procedures and protocols and personalities and what-all were presented to me, and I fielded some well and some, well, I just fumbled. Yes, I made doozies of mistakes, but also managed to retain some information as well. Perhaps not as much information as my boss would have liked--she was of the opinion that because I typed a memo about a meeting I would remember it. Poor, dear woman--I haven't the heart to tell her I drank away most of my memory banks in the '80s.

Although it might make her less avid about my coming on full-time, which she appears to be. And, sorry to report, my gal Linda appears to be jumping on that bandwagon as well.

I know this is the closest to a job offer as I've come in my nearly five months of searching, but I pray that my lot is not in the administrative/secretarial realm.

No, I have nothing against the work--it is honest, it is helpful, and it keeps the wheels of commerce (or in this case, education) rolling along. And the Super is aptly titled--she's a fabulous boss and a wonderful person, and the other people in the office seem hard-working and affable and genuinely devoted to what they do. So it's a lovely work environment in many ways.

But while the job has a lot going for it, I still balk. It is just not what I'm trained to do, it is not something that I am particularly good at, it is not the highest expression of my talents (not that I've had any job that really allowed that), and worst of all, it's exactly the sort of work my mother did the last two (or was it three?) decades of her working life.

And she was disappointed with her lot, I believe. Very disappointed.

After years of teaching English (she was an English major), she ended up typing memos for people who had but a passing acquaintance with the language, but who sat in the corner office and therefore called the shots. And while she tried to make her work interesting by editing the memos and letters that came her way, it wasn't enough.

So I am resisting the pressure to apply for this job, for I really fear I'll be following in my mother's footsteps in a way she would not have wanted me to, really and truly. She had many talents and gifts, but the way she earned her living did not use them much at all. And while she found many ways to express her talents and gifts in the countless acts of charity and political organizations she was engaged in throughout her life, I think she ended her career rather sadly, rather wondering, "What if?"

I already have enough of those "What ifs?" bouncing around in my cranium, thank you. Despite my many months of looking, it's still not time to jump at a job just because it seems as though I could get it.

Besides, I still have a writing prospect out there that I haven't been able to act upon because of this temp job, so I'm not giving up. Not yet.

So that's my decision as of right now, even if I do realize in five month's time that this was the best thing that I would ever have a shot at and I blew it.

Whatever, it won't be the end of the world. If watching the news this past week has told me anything, it is that my challenges are nothing at all. I have a home, I have food, I have my nearest and dearest right under my own safe roof with me, and job or no job, I am okay.

But a lot of the people of New Orleans aren't, and it's hard not to see racism and foolish priorities at the root of it all.

Funds and personnel diverted to Iraq, poor people left to die in squalor, levees failing--just like the experts said they would, and a president and government standing by with empty rhetoric and falsehood heaped upon falsehood, hoping most of us won't notice we're being sold a bill of rotten goods for the 2,356th time.

Will "we" get fooled again? I hope not, but after the 2004 election, I have just about given up on my fellow Americans. Perhaps this hideous, unnecessary mess will help turn the tide against the prevailing winds of Government as Corporate Lackey instead of Guardian of the People. Perhaps not.

But there's got to be some good to come of this tragedy, this turmoil--doesn't there?